safehaven

crapitycrapface @ 2006-02-01T20:51:00

2006-02-02T01:51:57Z

I am in love.

crapitycrapface @ 2005-10-14T15:37:00

2005-10-14T22:38:15Z

my dad fell off a roof, broke his leg and crushed his foot.

crapitycrapface @ 2005-10-13T17:02:00

2005-10-14T00:10:54Z

I haven't come on LJ is such a long time. Im doing really really well. I LOVE GUELPH. Today was a particularily great day- I got a job, with good pay and GREAT hours, I started massage therapy (p.s better than sex), I started mega cheap guitar lessons, and i am seeing a councillor named dorothy with a sweetass unibrow.

Im tweakin a little about midterms, but who am i kidding? I like to be worried and I LOVE to be busy..so im doing just fine.

Im going to China for a year. But actually this time. I just got accepted. I leave in April.

I just bought groceries and they are really fuckin good. I got mini wheats, and pre-seasoned tofu, and raspberries, and cheese curds and three other kinds of cheese because im amazing.

my Dad's a fucker, but ive come to terms with that fact.

I had a dream last night that i squirted my roommates mayo down the drain and cried when she found out it was me and so I ran off naked, and people kept telling me I should have bothered to shave my bakini line...Freudian slip perhaps?

speakinhg of which, I fuckin love my program, everytime someone says the word psychoanalytic or conditioned stimuli i cum in my pants. and thats how much I like psychology.

I feel lonely

2005-05-12T23:34:10Z

I am feeling very overwhelmed this week. I find myself constantly second-guessing myself...man, im so over this. I dont feel like complaining. I am just concerned. I stopped taking my meds for a few days, and now im all out of wack. I shouldnt have done that, because now im so super depressed and mixed up. i swear they have caused more problems than they have solved.

I got a tattoo two days ago. It was very spontaneous...let's just say that. I really do like it, I'm just a little scared of it. Its kinda big, and kinda colourful...but its pretty.

crapitycrapface @ 2005-04-19T09:26:00

2005-04-19T13:30:36Z

Wow, its hard to believe I made it out alive. I can't believe I doubted myself so much. i feel very accomplished. I have been joggin by the river in the mornings, my exams went so well, im eating well playing lots of guitar, and writing. I went hiking yesterday, it was great, I fed the ducks. I am such a caregiver, the only reason I went to feed them is because the day before, I threw them a sandwich and one duck got left out. He was a lot smaller than the rest, so I knew exactly which one it was when i went back. Anyway he wasnt hungry when i was done with em. between three ducks they ate a whole loaf of bread.
But back to me, i feel very balanced. I am not juggling everyone elses problems now, just my own. I have mastered the art of loving detachment. And boy, when you just concentrate on yourself for a while, its amazing what you can get done. Whenever I set out to do soemthing, i try to make sure it is benefitting me in some way. Like, either good for my health, self expression, benevolence, or intellect.
I know i must really seem to be lacking modesty here, but it feels good to finally recognise all my strengths. Going into second year with some confidence will be nice.

Andrew said "some birds just cant be caged" -i dont know if that is good or bad, but i know im not about to settle down with anything just yet.

worst 10 minutes this year

2005-02-17T04:26:23Z

my fucking room smells like a brewery. I feel trapped in here. there are jocks partying everywhere, one tried to grab my goddamn ass on my way up. frig
my relationship is falling apart at the seams. and i just cried because of a cookie. pretty sweet if you ask me. Im glad midterms went well though, on a side note. I'm proud of myself.

to drink or not to drink, that is the question

2005-02-06T00:24:12Z

im so bored. i wish andrew was here. i think i might go out to fill the void that his absence creates.
what to do on an eve of so many opportunities.

crapitycrapface @ 2005-01-01T10:52:00

2005-01-01T16:08:57Z

My Father thinks I am: holding a grudge
My Mother thinks I am: selfish
My sister thinks I am:
My brother thinks I am: a good friend
My grandma thinks I am: a nice girl
My Grandpa thinks I am: hes dead
My Girlfriend/Boyfriend thinks i am: kind
My best friend thinks I am: a slut

Yes or NO....
+you keep a diary = yes.
+you like to cook = love to
+you have a secret you have not shared with anyone = you know what, im a pretty open person
+you fold your underwear = nah
+you talk in your sleep = yes
+you set your watch a few minutes ahead = no
+you bite your fingernails = only when im really nervous
+you believe in love= yes

last...

x. movie you rented = the terminal (but cleaned up puke instead of watching it)
x. movie you bought = Pretty woman
x. CD you bought = Rylo Kylie
x. person you've called = Andrew
x. person that's called you = Jeremy
x. TV show you've watched = Bob the Builder
x. person you were thinking of = MIchael

do...
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = sort of, if i could bring people with me.
x. you think about suicide = no
x. you believe in online dating = no
x. others find you attractive = sometimes
x. you want more piercings = havent decided
x. you want more tattoos = maybe
x. you drink = sometimes
x. you do drugs = not anymore
x. you smoke = no
x. you like cleaning = i dont like cleaning, i like organizing and tidying
x. you like roller coasters = hate
x. you write in cursive or print = print
x. you carry a donor card = nope, but maybe ill add that to the resolution list

have you...
x. ever cried over a boy/girl = ya
x. ever lied to someone = yes
x. ever been in a fist fight = one
x. ever been arrested = nope

Number...
x. of times I have been in love?= twice
x. of times I have had my heart broken?= i guess technically none
x. of hearts I have broken?= none
x. of people I've slept with?= 2
x. of people I consider my enemies?= none
x. of people from high school that I stayed in contact with?= like one or two
x. of people i could trust my life with= 5

do you
-- Take a shower everyday: yeah
-- Have a crush(es): yes
-- Like high school: not really, i liked bronte creek
-- Want to get married: yes
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: yes i do
-- Believe in yourself: most of the time
-- Get motion sickness: god yes
-- Think you're attractive: usually
-- Think you're a health freak: used to be, i suppose i still am
-- Get along with your parents: not really
-- Like thunderstorms: love them

-- Play an instrument: guitar

in the past month, did/have you
-- Drank alcohol: yes
-- Smoke(d): no
-- Done a drug: yes
-- Have Sex: yes
-- Made Out: ...ya.
-- Go on a date: mostly just adventures!
-- Go to the mall?: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
-- Eaten sushi: yes
-- Been on stage: no
-- Gone skating: ): no
-- Made homemade cookies: no
-- Been in love: yes
-- Gone skinny dipping: no
-- Dyed your hair: yes
-- Stolen anything: yes, once

crapitycrapface @ 2005-01-01T10:41:00

2005-01-01T15:50:04Z

so that was the best new years ever. i left my house in attempts to rekindle my sanity after lunch. i think andrews mom called it loving detachment. i love my family but there comes a point when they need to figure things out without me. and they'll be fine.
Andrew and I rescued Michael from my house later last night and took him out to this random vietnamese restaurant we found. Then we bought him candy. then he was really happy to know that someone actually gave a damn. Then we went back to Andrews place, and hung out with his mom for a while. we hit up tim hortons with her (which seemed to make her feel good) and were in the hot tub for the "coutn down" which consisted of Andrews dad yelling through the screen "uh oh, ya missed it..."

so, new years resolutions include:
-no more forks at asian restaurants
-no more elevators in rez (stairs from now on)
-no more smoking pot
-floss every day
-green tea only
-give blood
-plus i quit eating chocolate as of today.

im excited, this seems like it will be a good year

crapitycrapface @ 2004-12-23T19:53:00

2004-12-24T00:46:25Z

im at andrews. hes great. really really great.

im angry

2004-12-17T16:02:51Z

the mother fuckers stole my moms van again. i wish they would get caught so badly. who is heartless enough to steal a vehicle 3 times and rigth at christmas? insurance wont even cover it this time.

crapitycrapface @ 2004-12-16T18:19:00

2004-12-16T23:20:09Z

im finally home. and after feeling like i was going to have a heart attack, this is quite a contrast. i was so stressed last month, and it feels so good to be home now.

crapitycrapface @ 2004-12-09T09:57:00

2004-12-09T15:11:22Z

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. strangely enough, andrew's shorts
2. one sock
3. a ceramic necklace

THREE THINGS YOU HAVE BOUGHT RECENTLY:
1. well, since i have been so in debt its not even funny, the shopping had to hault
2. so, only neccessities: medication
3. christmas presents

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK
1. a pin from frosh week that says "GAY IS OK!"
2. a nalgene
3. a fork

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
1. music
2. rachael
3. strength

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. go horse-back riding
2. go to Africa
3. visit everyone from my past

THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. anal
2. moody
3. compassionate
THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. Jamaican
2. Irish
3. English

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. my back
2. my collar bone
3. my breasts

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. my stomache
2. my butt
3. my ears

THREE THINGS(some)PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. i actually do like potato salad
2. i pee in the shower
3. im paranoid

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. "do you know what i mean?"
2. "no but seriously"
3. "definately"

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. Africa
2. Austria
3. B.C

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Dr. Shunston (i hate that one)
2. Shanny
3. Shanski

THREE SCREENNAMES I HAVE HAD
1. An empty bag cannot stand up right
2. Mind lined with layers of led
3. That green eyed monster

THREE THINGS I WISH I NEVER DID
1. stood up rachael that time
2. sent bobby a letter
3. gave in to my dad

crapitycrapface @ 2004-11-12T21:12:00

2004-11-13T02:13:20Z

"The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings....
As the shadow follows the body,
As we think, so we become"

crapitycrapface @ 2004-11-03T15:18:00

2004-11-03T20:19:22Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crapitycrapface @ 2004-10-26T23:40:00

2004-10-27T03:40:00Z

my head is aching and pulsating louder than my thoughts

"Choke me in the shallow water before i get too deep"

2004-10-27T03:35:02Z

i want to curl up into a ball and roll away. if i was a little less intuitive or inquisitive, this would all be meaningless, and nothign would matter, because i wouldnt understand. actually, i take that back, because i dont know shit. accept that my instincts are contaminating, and contradictory.

crapitycrapface @ 2004-10-24T11:37:00

2004-10-24T15:49:19Z

im home for the weekend. it feels really nice. i have noticed that I am really emotional lately. I cried when i hugged brandon, and i cried when i saw matthew. hes like a foot taller than he was the last time i saw him. he has been attached to my hip since i got here. and whenever no one is around, he whispers that he loves me the most. its such a nice atmostphere to come home to.

Last night i needed a taste of adventure, and a reconnection between myself and old friends. so i went and saw them. (i even saw cj on plains road, but we didnt really talk, i can't believe i STILL felt a little awkward around him. BUt anyway, they got this *bright* idea to hotbox a u-haul. I guess someone had worked there and new that they never locked the back of them. normally i would have bolted and rolled my eyes. but like i said, i needed somethign like that.
The whole time, i was afraid the back would close and we would be stuck, but it was pretty hilarious..

now im back to reality though, and attempting to face my problems again.

so todays issue is guys:

At school, not many girls are friendly, and i find guys tend to make conversation with me more often. But like Ben used to say, when a guy meets you, he has already decided whether or not he would date you.
This makes things difficult. Im kind of lonely, but i dont want to be with someone im not attracted to, but they all think im interested, since i like to have the company. its frustrating, since i am already bad at confronting people.

any suggestions?

It finally worked!

2004-10-03T22:58:18Z

crapitycrapface @ 2004-09-29T11:18:00

2004-09-29T15:21:57Z

Im so confused. I had a comp sci test that i had to do online, but my prof told me you cant access it from home. So i figured I would do the PRACTISE test online before i went to the lab for the real thing...Only, apparently i was doing the actual test from home. I have no idea how that works, since he said its impossible. Thankgod i got 90%, since i was only fucking around. I got a report emailed to me with the mark on it..but now i dont know if it actually counts, or if i should be at the lab, attempting to reaccess it...im so lost.

crapitycrapface @ 2004-09-21T15:08:00

2004-09-21T19:08:10Z

yesterday it started to smell like fall. officially. and it reminded me of last year. and i cried, and i was standing in front of the u.c.c with andrew, and i felt really stupid.

eek

2004-09-15T19:44:32Z

andrew from the third floor bought me a flower...

crapitycrapface @ 2004-09-15T15:41:00

2004-09-15T19:40:56Z

german is excrutiating. its my third class and we are still counting to 20...im going to comit suicide.

crapitycrapface @ 2004-09-14T15:40:00

2004-09-14T19:48:58Z

film class-AMAZING. fake crab meat, even better. in our first class we watche the emperors new groove, and now im analysing it to death.
i didnt know what heart burn was until like a month ago. now i wish i didnt.
maybe rachaels right..i am not even really eating anything e.g today all ive eaten is crab meat, and yet i feel fat..

um, i am comming to burlinton this weekend...(on mastercard, oh man. i swear it should be maxed out by now)

so i want to see everyone i know!

my film teacher is bad ass. her first words to us were, and i quote "ok, im the bitch who asks for names from film credits on tests. you will love my class, but if you plagerize, ill nail you to a fucking wall"

haha, shes so rad. and uhh, it took until garbage moved out of the garbage can, onto the floor, out of the cupboard, and into the hallway, before we bought any garbage bags.

i feel cheap

2004-09-11T02:40:21Z

maybe i DO just alwyas need something to be sad about. maybe it is all about comfort. but i feel so alone. i dont want the past, but i want, what i used to feel like, when i had the past. i compare everyone to when i felt complete. so no one will ever meet that standard. (which i guess should be a compliment to you ben..if you read this)

but anyway, i guess when someone hits on me, it makes me feel like maybe they actually care about me. but they obviously dont, they just care about getting some. and then after i feel so cheap. i think i remember learning about this in sociology. im such a fucking statistic. ugh